Is the invention of the pant’s stylish expandable waistband not the greatest creation ever? I recall as a child ridiculing the middle-aged man who wore sweats or other elastic waistband pants out in public. It is amazing how my perspective changed now that I am a middle-aged man.
However, it could easily be argued that in our current era, that it is now fashionably acceptable to lounge at home or even be seen in public in the modern workout attire. The bitter irony is the majority of people actually seen in public sporting their sweat outfits have probably not stepped a foot in the inside of a gym in many years. Personally, I rarely wear sweats. However, many both casual and dress slacks now have discrete expandable waist. They are unnoticeable a to the human eye and enhance the level of comfort due to the elimination of excessive pressure on the lower stomach area.
This new found technology is truly the best invention ever. Society may be calling out for the invention of a vehicle that will travel 300 miles on a single gallon of gas. I say…………give me the stretchy pants.
Recently I experienced the gluttony of Thanksgiving. I am not sure if it was the second or third helping of turkey, stuffing, and mash potatoes or maybe the five helpings of candy yams. My wife believes that the half gallon of eggnog may have been the root cause of my massive discomfort. Nonetheless, the level of pressure well exceeded the capacity of the elastic waistband for the first time.
Upon seeing the profile of my stomach in the mirror, it became quite evident that I had allowed the expandable waistband to become a crutch. I could not wait for the traditional New Year’s Resolution and it was time to immediately begin exercising. With that said, I went into my closet and pulled down a dusty box off the shelf. Approximately, 6 months ago while up late one night watching television and eating ice cream I purchased the P90X Extreme Home Fitness. Apparently with just a little effort and the expense of 3 easy monthly payments of $39.95 plus shipping, I too could get absolutely ripped.
That’s right……….6 months ago – which means that it has been paid in full for over 3 months. Box sealed and stored neatly on the shelf. But since gravity appears to have taken hold of the belly and the elastic waist has exceeded the maximum acceptable tension, it was time to open the box.
Too my amazement before beginning the P90X Extreme Home Fitness Program, I was required to take a fitness test to insure that I met the minimum physical thresholds for the program. This obviously was some lawyer ploy to protect the company in case an out-of-shape middle age man hurt himself by over exerting or trying to lift as though he was in his early 20s. Needless to say, I had to promise my wife that I would take the test before I began the program.
I am proud to say that I took and passed the required physical test. I did exceed the minimal required thresholds in all categories. For example, 3 dead-lift pull ups were required. 3….only 3……who can’t do more than 3 pull ups? I remember easily doing 25 pull ups in my youth. What a complete waste of time taking the test when such low thresholds were necessary. As previously mentioned, I passed all categories………I barely did 4.
After completing the test, I was excited to start the official program the following day. However when I woke up the next morning, I could barely move. I told my wife that I thought I had Polio. Every muscle in my body was in severe pain. I wondered for a moment if I was in an auto accident the day before and forgot. Then it all became clear. The pain was the result of the P90X Physical Test.
There is an age old saying “no pain, no gain.” It is a legitimate saying and one that can be used for motivation. However, it is also the holiday season and winter which provides the opportunity for thick clothing to cover all physical imperfections. Plus, it is the season to indulge in good food and incredible sweets.
I may have passed the physical test but P90X sounds like a potential New Year’s Resolution (either that or buy a larger waist pant).
Husband, father, coffee connoisseur and lover of all things hockey. At 51 I sometimes wonder have I done enough. I have been married to my best friend for 30 years. She knows all my faults and loves me anyway, As a father of “almost always” perfect boys, I am always surprised at what life has to offer. It is messy, scary, thrilling, and always fun.